The Joy of Bowling

So, I have gotten a little feedback concerning my lack of writing about one of my other hobbies: bowling.

Something about bowling transforms me into a white trash, high school kid, which is more fun than it sounds. My bowling partner in crime, Andy, a lazy f*ck without a blog, and I like to be obnoxious, talk behind peoples' backs, and give them nicknames.

I bowl a men's league on Wednesday nights. This league is such a target rich environment. I remember commenting to Andy after the league meeting (which he didn't attend) at the beginning of the year, "It's even white trashier this year".

The uping of the white trash value of the league is primarily due to two phenomena: Mike and Rick.

I guess a little background is in order. Andy and I are quite snobs when it comes to having mechanically sound form when bowling. We love to belittle even the smallest imperfection we can find in someone's game.

So, Mike is a guy that gives the vibe he's suffered major head trauma. Not just because he's stupid, although his level of stupidity is astounding, but his head seems fairly misshapen and he wears his hair short forfeiting any opportunity to obfuscate the uniqueness of his cranium. He also likes to say "get 'er done" and sing Aerosmith songs.

When he bowls, he has this stupid hand action where he starts normally then during his backswing he rotates his hand around to the front of the ball and then back behind it just before delivery. That is stupid and unnecessary. The key in bowling is to minimize the number of variables in your physical game. He obviously has introduced a significant variable into his game with no redeeming traits.

For this, Mike has been bestowed the title of "Twisted Wrister".

Rick strikes me as a raging alcoholic whose body and mind quite sobering up some years ago. Rick is substantially overweight and doesn't have a nickname. Maybe that will change when his fat ass pops out of his sweatpants at the foul line. He seems to be closer to doing it every week.

While we are on the "get 'er done" theme, there is a team of really country guys. I guess they are decent guys for the most part, but growing up where I did, you are either country or have some resentment for country-ish traits. I fall into the latter category. Anyway, one night they were getting extra torn up off Coors Lite, yucking it up like nobody's business, when Andy turned to me said, "Jesus, it's like sitting next to a table of Jeff Foxworthys". The next week I referred to them as "Team Foxworthy" and it has stuck for a couple of years now.

I bowled a mixed league (men and women) a couple of years ago. That league also had its share of colorful characters.

There was this one guy, Nathan. Nathan was mentally slow, didn't respect others personal space, and while he was busy not respecting your personal space, he oozed a sexually threatening vibe. I described him to Andy once as "a sex crime waiting to happen". I think that is still one of Andy's favorites. One of my favorites was when Nathan came to bowling in red sweat pants that had something looking like nut stains on the ass.

Wally was another interesting character I met through bowling. I don't remember all the details of our first conversation, but I remember him mentioning "25 years in prison". I tried to not look uncomfortable, but I couldn't help but think this guy killed someone AND he planned it out before hand. Wally explained he was a cook at a prison for twenty-five years. I guess I had taken the bait. Wally was also cool because he was a pretty hefty guy and kind of weathered looking, but he often wore an oversize T-shirt with a female body in a bikini airbrushed on both sides. The humor in the contrast was not lost on me.

Other interesting things I have seen due to bowling:

• A guy pass out at 4:30 PM because he sold blood to buy vodka and proceeded to drink it
  
• The nastiest feet/toes I have ever seen on a live body
  
• A world record being broken (highest three game series by a youth female)
  
• Andy missing a 10-pin